Television for Kids

One [of the channels] was animals killing other animals – why would you want to watch a cartoon?

Film

Why do students ever try?

No Shame, No Gain

I couldn’t hear you over the rattling of my unhealthy food.

No Mother-Only Faces

This is my baby-browsing time. Stop sending me pictures of your sub-par baby.

Günter Edition

And then he has these boobie-ladies dancing next to him.

Don’t touch my bing-bing-bing.

yes, unfortunately

What? Am I making a boy smell again?

Shuffle over, Cupid

This is a new dance called the papercut. It involves pain and bleeding.

Wasn’t asking about babby enough?

Dear Internet, Do Starfish have penis?

More on Raising Kids O.K.

And so if you have someone who LOVES your kid nearby – who is not a pedophile – then you’re okay.

Resident Coordinators

I’d become some anal retentive creepo who sniffs people’s doors.